Friday, June 27, 2014

Theory 47: Chunky girls need love songs, too, especially in the summertime. (So I wrote one.)


In last week’s post, Theory 46: The perfect summer is almost free. Ask any redneck—like me! I illustrated the ideal summer of inexpensive, happy, outdoor times. Summer should be carefree, but for most women, summer also brings an embarrassing, hard to avoid circumstance that causes us great anxiety and self-hatred.

We have to wear underwear in public. Swimsuits. Yuck.

Delicious once stated, quite profoundly, that she looks better naked than she does in a swimsuit. I don’t know about naked, but I do look better in my underwear than I do in a swimsuit. Why? Because my bras are designed with suspension engineering, volume control, orthopedic support, and coverage. In a swimsuit, I feel droopy and exposed.

I lose and gain the SAME three pounds every stinking week. The schedule typically works like this:

Monday - I get motivated and go “low-carb” and drop the pounds by Thursday.
Thursday – I get cocky. I eat some bread.
Friday/Saturday/Sunday – I get loose. Agape Agave, Flower Child, Smokin’ Scrubs, and “Elaine” text up a trip to El Charro.
Monday – I beat myself up and start all over.

It’s also strange to me that whenever I sit, scrunched over in a beach chair, sweating like a chubby piccolo player at band camp in August, in my skirtankini, and watch fit young girls with 5% body fat frolic freely in the ocean, I get sooooo hungry. What the helk is that all about?

Don’t you think it’s interesting that we women know EXACTLY HOW to lose weight, but we just can’t follow through? Why is that? I ponder a few potential reasons…

  • Our husbands want us thin, so we rebel.
  • We actually love ourselves and like to treat ourselves with wine, onion dip, and milkshakes.
  • Eating too much is a secondary concern compared to the usual daily issues we face: menopause, PMS, pregnancy, infertility, serving on committees, fighting addictions (ours and other folks’), helping children with Common Core schoolwork, caring for aging parents, getting new degrees in old age, fighting the urge to run away.
  • STRESS from ridiculous primary and secondary work stress.
  • We have tooooooooo much to dooooooooo.
  • We need sister wives to help with all those to-do’s so we can plan better meals and exercise, but sister wives are taboo.
  • We watch so many zombie shows that we eat as much as we can now because we subconsciously believe one day we we’ll be stabbing our undead neighbors in their foreheads to gain access to their dusty apocalyptic pantries.

By the way, all you ,magazines and TV shows, please stop telling me I need to sleep more, drink 10,000 ounces of water each day, and exercise.

I can’t sleep because Gnome won’t go to sleep. He watches golf, in my bed, while I read textbooks (gag), until 11:00 p.m. That is THE BEST I can do right now. I get up at 6:00 a.m. in the summer (5:00 a.m. in the school year) to work, write, and think….alone. Alone! Leave me alone about my sleep situation!

I can’t drink water because water sucks. It literally has no taste. If you magazine and TV people can improve water, I'll give it a shot.

I can’t exercise because I would have to get up at 4:00 a.m. or go to bed at midnight. You tell me I need sleep. Do the math. Impossible. Plus, when you exercise you need to stay hydrated with water. And, again, water sucks.

~ ~ ~

Okay folks, I am throwing in the beach towel and embracing my three pounds. I think I’ll even name them. Hmmmm. What would be most appropriate for three pudgy friends that show up every weekend? Perhaps I should name them after their lineage. Sure!

Pound 1: Mayfield (as in onion dip and ice cream)
Pound 2: Bota (as in Box)
Pound 3: Jose (as in my favorite waiter at El Charro)

By the way, I don't need to lose ONLY three pounds. Mayfield, Bota, and Jose have friends. Trust me.

Who can (or should) resist the ice cream truck?

I do need to lose all these "friends" before my breast reduction surgery so I don’t leave the hospital looking like a snowman. Whatever. I guess I'll starting the Monday that school starts in late July. Until then, I am calling this summer the “Summer of Onion Dip.” I'm going to live, and eat, and pray. Did I just plagiarize or do other women feel this way, too? Sugar, butter, wine, salt: BRING IT ON!

This is livin'.


To encourage all of you less than svelte ladies who must wear underwear in public this summer, and worse, like me, must wear underwear in public while chasing toddlers, I have re-written a song to hopefully make you feel loved. I chose the Luke Bryan song, “Country Girl Shake it for Me” because Agape Agave (a massage therapist) actually got to work on him, so naturally we are good friends – indirectly – so I think he’ll forgive me. Also, he is LOADED $$$ and won’t bother to sue public schoolteacher me. Also, he is People Magazine’s 2014 “Sexiest Man” in country music.


I strongly suggest you listen to the real song a couple of times before you read/sing my lyrics. That way you’ll know the tune. And get to see Luke Bryan. Here’s the link:


Chunky Girl Shake it for Me” 
– satirized by Bug, dedicated to every self-conscious woman ever.

Hey girl. Go on now.
You know you've got everybody looking.

Got a little donk in your big white truck,
Take off your swim skirt; don’t cover that up!
Stomp your size nine boots in the Georgia mud
Dip that chip; make me fall in love

Get up on the hood of my tractor, that’s hot!
Be careful, don’t trip, you’ll need a tetanus shot.
We can’t drive to the after hours clinic with a buzz,
You’d lose your teaching license. We’d have to put the pimento cheese up.
Let’s play it safe, stay here, and eat boiled peanuts.

Straddle that hood with your thunder thighs.
I’ll turn on Dixieland Delight.
Get all parts moving, I can’t wait,
To watch you do your thing!

Shake it for the young girls dreading bikini season,
For the sexy country women out there canning and freezing,
For the Weight Watchers, Low Carb-ers, and gluten-dodgers,
We know they ain't having fun.
Shake it for the Cross-Fitters who never enjoy a cone,
For the pageant girls marching to their mothers' drones,
For the teenagers building their self-esteem.
For the fat band geeks. Helk, they’re living the dream!

Chunky girl, shake it for me girl,
Shake it for me girl, shake it for me
Chunky girl, shake it for me girl,
Shake it for me girl, shake it for me.

Somebody's pudgy little pretty child,
Met a Little Debbie, got a bit double-wide.
You know how to live, you know how to fry.
Rope me in with your custard pie.

So come on over here and crank this arm
Spin me and this rock salt with your buttery charms
You could be the woman of my dreams,
Let’s make some chunky loving and homemade ice cream.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Shake it for the young girls dreading bikini season,
For the sexy country women out there canning and freezing,
For the Weight Watchers, Low Carb-ers, and gluten-dodgers,
We know they ain't having fun.
Shake it for the Cross-Fitters who never enjoy a cone,
For the pageant girls marching to their mothers' drones,
For the teenagers building their self-esteem.
For the fat band geeks. Helk, they’re living the dream!

Chunky girl, shake it for me girl,
Shake it for me girl, shake it for me
Chunky girl, shake it for me girl,
Shake it for me girl, shake it for me

~ ~ ~


Readers, for the love of summer, have fun. Don’t be unhealthy, but please drop the self-doubt, self-hatred, and self-sabotaging baggage. Start your diets in the fall (or never), and LIVE! Think of your BEST friends’ attitudes toward you. Have the same attitude toward yourself that your friends who love you have toward you! And remember, fat floats. Ha!

Cheers to a great summer!

 Find and friend me on social media! And answer this question: What is your #1 guilty pleasure in the summertime?

See you next post. Until then, think outside the barn!
Like what you read?
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Just thinking outside the barn...

Just thinking outside the barn...