Delicious said, “One thing that comes with being older is you learn when to keep your mouth shut.” Maybe that one will come at 50, Delicious. Until then, I have lots to say. For example, spring semester quickly approaches, which means yearbooks are coming out soon. Which means, the superlative votes will happen shortly. Times have changed. Which brings us to Theory 33: Senior Superlatives must be modernized, and should include teachers.
Not only am I not shutting my mouth, I'm sounding off sarcastically because my emotions are raw and I'm EXHAUSTED from managing a state writing assessment for the entire 9th grade at my school. Yes, forty is the perfect age, but forty doesn't necessarily mean perfect behavior. I am flawed. I admit it.
And, I am observant. Teenagers have always fascinated me. Back at good old Gatlinburg-Pittman High School, faculty, staff, and student body enjoyed mountain ways and school traditions. We held football game pep rallies every Friday during 6th period. Students balanced fat raw potatoes on tablespoons in our comical, quite physical field day each spring. We nicknamed teachers, their products, and locations (Bo-dogs, Beuf, the Smoke Pit, etc.). As Delicious used to say, "We try not to let academics interfere with our fun." Seriously, though, we were a standout school, academically speaking. Sarcasm and word-smithing were as important to the culture as Bo-dogs and the Smoke Pit. Why, in my squat graduation class of 112 or so students, 11 were National Merit Semi-Finalists. That means they scored in the top 1% of PSAT standardized test takers. Verbal scores? Booyah!
Because our class was so small, I knew every single member. Personally. Other wordy traditions of Gatlinburg-Pittman were encased in the school newspaper, The Blue and Gold Review, which was run by none other than our beloved Delicious. Two sections were student favorites: Cheers and Jeers—where students harassed or congratulated each other as in, "Cheers to Marilyn for catching a boyfriend," or "Jeers to Marilyn for steeling Tanya's boyfriend." The other favorite was the year-end "Senior Predictions" list — where one brave, sarcastic, clever student wrote a snarky prediction for every other student in the graduation class. Well, that one brave, sarcastic, clever, student was your beloved Bug. Not so beloved after print, however. That was my first experience with a death threat, y'all! Let's just say that I took chances and ticked off several fellow Highlanders. Of course, someone also had to write a prediction for me. Want to know what it was?
[Bug] will go off to college and room with her mother, but die an untimely death when her high school classmates burn her at the stake.
Ouch. But, awesome. There was a graveyard scene in the spring chorus show. Front row sat a tomb stone reading, "[Bug] 1974 - 1992. Roast in Peace." Is it weird that I loved it?
Delicious did not go to college with me at The University of Tennessee, but she did spend the night in the dorm room when I had to stay at Humes Hall alone on Thanksgiving weekend to be ready to board the UT band bus at 5:00 a.m. and head to Nashville. Delicious and I ordered the "large student special" from Papa Johns, dropped quarters into the lobby Coke machine, and relived her UGA days.
What made/makes the predictions so funny is that they were honestly dead-on true. Who said "There is humor in all truth and truth in all humor"? I can't remember. I do know that Shakespeare said, "Brevity is the soul of wit." In that vein, I'm just going to simply list some modern superlatives that my buddies and I have conjured up for your contemplation. I tossed in a few that I'd just like to see out there. The bonus is the teacher section - just for kicks. Please add to the list here or on Facebook, if you have the guts. Mwah, ha, ha.
Modern Day Senior Superlatives
Most likely to live at home during college.
Most likely to marry his/her high school sweetheart. (Usually same person who wins “Most likely to live at home during college.”)
Most likely to go to college, dropout, go to community college for three years, then go back to the first college, and eventually end up with a Ph.D., all while living at home.
Most likely to come out of the closet at his liberal arts college.
Most likely to "experiment" at her liberal arts college.
Most likely to live at home after college.
Most likely to marry her teacher. This summer.
Love conquers all. Even Common Core Standards.
Most likely to cause a divorce.
Most likely to commit murder suicide after a third divorce.
Most likely to go to the county jail.
Most likely to go to the state prison.
Most likely to go to federal prison.
Most likely to end up on death row.
Home Row Method. Bazinga!
Most likely to own his own business.
Most likely to become addicted to something and lose his own business.
Most likely to embezzle. (We saw you in the concession stand that day.)
Most attractive to the opposite gender.
Most attractive to the same gender.
Most attractive to either gender.
Most likely to indirectly cause the death of rescue workers when he attempts an extreme sport and must be saved. So selfish.
Most likely to be a bicycle guy and make other people late for work.
Most likely to become a philosopher.
Most likely to follow a boy to college.
Most likely to get dumped freshman semester by the boy she followed to college.
Most likely to marry the only boy she ever dates.
Most likely to marry the only girl he ever dates.
Most likely to marry someone else's high school sweetheart.
Most likely to go pro.
Go, Gnome, go!
Most likely to win a full athletic scholarship and ruin his sports career with a bad attitude.
Most likely to win a full academic scholarship and get pregnant and drop out.
Most likely to homeschool her children.
Best personality among teachers.
Best personality among students. There is a difference.
Worst personality in general.
Wittiest, as opposed to silliest. There is a difference.
Most likely to sell Tupperware, Arbonne, Mary Kay, Pampered Chef....
Most musically talented.
Most talented in "indoor sports."
The absolutely best male/female/transgender athlete in this school, hands down.
Most obnoxious to peers.
Most obnoxious to teachers.
Most likely to have the ultimate college experience.
Most likely to become a teacher, even though she hates teachers.
Most likely to show up to the reunion hot and skinny.
Most likely to show up to the reunion super rich.
Most like to never return to this dump of a town again.
Biggest chest, a.k.a. Most likely to get breast reduction.
Smallest chest, a.k.a. Most likely to get breast augmentation.
Most likely to get really fat.
Most likely to morph into the opposite gender, not on purpose.
Most likely to morph into the opposite gender, on purpose.
Most likely to go bald.
Most likely to embarrass his children on social media.
Most likely to own a hovercraft.
Ready to chaperone!
Most likely to split his pants in a pep rally.
Most likely to be on a perpetual diet.
Most likely to try the students' project.
Most likely to have his contract non-renewed.
Most likely to tuck her dress into her pantyhose.
Most likely to "over celebrate" when this occurs:
Pure white teacher bliss.
Most likely to marry his student. This summer.
Most likely to sleep in her work clothes.
Most likely to drive the same car her entire teaching career of 34 years.
Highest flood britches.
Lowest neckline. Gross.
Most likely to be rude and "not engaged" at in-service.
I'm sure they are taking notes.
Most likely to show up in "Busted" for DUI. True story.
Most likely to pray every day in school. For all kinds of reasons.
Most likely to get her Educational Specialist Degree and pay raise and finally leave that jerk.
Most likely to show up to work hung over.
Most likely to be caught by a drug dog. Hey, it's East TN, just a little dip, y'all. Nuttin' harmful.
Most jobs outside school award. Teachers are hustlers, y'all!
Most likely to do her Christmas shopping in the teacher workroom.
Most likely to sniff Sharpies. Gotta get through the day somehow.
Puppies. America. Education.
Most likely to cause hypothermia among students because she's going through menopause.
Most likely to think she's in menopause when she's actually pregnant.
Most likely to take every sick day. Every school year.
Most likely to make personal calls, correspond with others, shop online, or enjoy a detailed hobby. At school.
Most likely to sell Tupperware, Arbonne, Mary Kay, Pampered Chef.... in the teacher's lounge.
Most likely to say something in class, then worry about it all night.
Most likely to get fired for stuff she writes in her blog.
Which brings us to next week's theory, Theory 34: If folks think you're crazy, you can breeze through life.
See you next post. Until then, think outside the barn.
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